I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
