this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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