I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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