One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
