My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
