i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
