Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The air taste purple.
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