I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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