at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
is it fun? or sober?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
