I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Be still, my beating vagina.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Drunk is not a location!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
