dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
