They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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