how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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