I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
