i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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