I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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