areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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