We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
