Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
