my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
