she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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