I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
