Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
