theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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