I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
