True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
