I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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