you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
