i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
