I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
