I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
