Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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