he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
