shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm going to jail i love you
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drunk is a universal language darling
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
