i was born a porn star she said
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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