your thong is hanging out like whoa
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
