I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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