just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You can't just leave with hair like that
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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