I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
