FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
