kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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