1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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