i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
