I want to make a zoo with you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
