i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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