oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
