Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
