The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
