I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
