dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
