I heard we made out
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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